Mrs. Johnson, the pill-popping teacher

This year was the ten-year mark from when I graduated high school. While a student in high school, I had a myriad of characters for teachers. Mr. P clearly had high expectations of us, at least that's how many of us interpreted his intimidating nature while he taught us math. Ms. Y was such an independent and free-spirited lady, often grouchy but always surprised us with her views on current events. Mr. W's classroom I couldn't avoid because he taught many different subjects in our small high school. However, despite the class he always seemed to rave on about the Bush administration and fiscal conservatism, and had a weird obsession with teaching us the location of Jerusalem. I can recall my high school teachers by the personalities they were assigned by a collective of students. It's true that you aren't remembered for what you say or do, but rather how you make people feel. 

There were also some teachers that made us uncomfortable to be around. And I don't mean necessarily the way that Mr. J made us feel when charges came out against him for misconduct with students at his previous school. I'm referring to the cloud of judgement that follows certain teachers around campus based on fictional interactions. Teachers that let their guard down in a moment that was much too visible. Teachers that end up being the most vulnerable to rumors and negative assumptions. Teachers like Mrs. Johnson.

Mrs. Johnson was an unremarkable social studies teacher. She was friendly and had a quirky laugh. At the time, it appeared as though the only things we had to say about her was that she was a "pill-popper". Supposedly, someone at school had seen her take pills during class and somehow in the logic of young high school students that turned into a rumor that she was crazy. After that, every odd gesture, facial twitch, or misplaced memory became an artifact of her insanity. Even her hair style became a characteristic of her supposed mental illness. 

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2016 is when I was finally diagnosed with a mental illness. And now I take pills to manage my crazy. For the last year I have been contemplating deeply about how my identity as a teacher is reconciled with the fact that I need to be medicated in order to function well. So many questions have come up for me as a result of my experience wrongfully and immaturely judging and making assumptions about another person, a teacher, for medicating-- or rather just based on the rumor that they were medicating for a mental illness. first of all, I feel terrible for the things I believed and said about Mrs. Johnson. It wasn't fair to her at all. 

Furthermore, I've realized that I entered the profession with so many assumptions about what it means for me to be a good teacher. I think it's common to have an idea of the type of teacher you want to be, possibly based on teachers you did or didn't have. But nonetheless, for years I have been carrying around a standard that I hope to achieve and I had never thought that good teachers needed to take medication for a mental disorder.

I've been wanting to make a post about this for several months now in order to try to articulate my feelings around mental health and teaching. I have yet to arrive to any conclusions, but I am concerned about the lack of visibility of mental health resources specifically for teachers. I am feeling like teachers may be especially vulnerable to mental health crises. So far in my reflection, many questions have come up for me:

• what are the universal attributes of our job that make mental health a struggle for teachers?
• what are the general attitudes among teachers about mental health?
• what is safe to talk about? what is important to talk about?
• can conversations among staff about mental health help address the growing concerns of safety and mass shooting risk?
• what can I do to advocate for more awareness and acceptance of mental health issues in my community?

 

Being diagnosed with a disorder and subsequently given access to medication that has drastically changed my quality of life has been an empowering experience for me. I have had the privilege of education and have grown in my perspective of what it means to live a balanced life, something I had little understanding of as an immature high school student. While I can't control the narrative or judgements made about me by my students, I can proactively advocate for the mental health of myself and my staff. I am just not sure yet what that would look like...